So I’ve got a new pen pal, and you know how much I like pen pals. Many women have written into this blog asking for their own dares, and I’ve been quite happy to oblige, particularly when I’ve seen their impressive results (Lisa, Queen Green, Alice, Grimm Perrault, etc.). There have also been quite a few others who contacted me, then lost their nerve or the free time to devote themselves to a sexual adventure (insert outraged commentary about the modern condition here), but then anyone who writes me a sexy e-mail talking of erotic possibilities invariably earns my undying respect.
This one is different, however. I know her. She’s one of my wife’s friends, and I have spent serious mental effort calculating the geometry of her tits. What could possibly go right, you say? Fair enough, but I choose to look at the problem from another angle, specifically 180 degrees from your angle: what could possibly go wrong? Yes, dear reader, I’m putting my faith in the power of anonymous e-mails. I’m choosing to believe in X to the Xth power, which (although my math is rusty) might well be infinity. Infinite lusty adventure, reader. What’s not to like?
If you’re meeting Mona for the first time, I’ll let my wife describe her: “Mona has a nice body, and she always wears tight clothes to show it off – tight pants that make her ass pop out and always these low-cut tops that show off her huge tits, which are her best feature. My husband has often mentioned that he would like to get lost in there for a while, and he admittedly has a point. Her hair is long and blonde, and she’s always playing with it, pulling it forward over her chest, like one of those Renaissance paintings, but really she’s just drawing attention to her assets, which she knows. Mona also has a bit of a belly, but somehow it’s still smooth and firm, and on her it seems more like a sign of sexual power than a fault. She always has a cigarette in her mouth, is incredibly scatter-minded and loves to talk. Now that she is divorcing, she’s out almost every night and particularly loves to talk about men she inevitably manages to take to bed. She’s always saying that I should take a lover or two. Passion is the only thing that matters in her life, and I think she imagines me to be a bit of a prude. If only she knew! In any case, of my friends I figured that Mona would be the easiest to talk to.”
This was during an experiment where my wife had to reveal a secret fantasy to a friend. More recently, Mr. X asked my wife to reveal the nature of their secret erotic relationship, and their sex experiments, to a friend. Again, my wife chose Mona, who was unsurprisingly attentive to the story of my wife’s sexual adventures. Somewhat more surprisingly, my wife gave Mona Mr. X’s secret e-mail address. She had to know that Mona would write. Everyone knew that Mona would write. I knew (fervently hoped?) that Mona would write. So I can only assume that my wife trusts both Mr. X and Mona to keep her secrets and that she’s not averse to sharing a secret admirer. I do like a woman who’s not jealous of her invisible friends.
Of course Mona wrote (for the record, I’ve removed smileys, spelling errors, and excessive exclaiming (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) from Mona’s prose. She is a people person, not a grammar person, and is admittedly vivid enough to make you wonder why you spent even a second learning grammar when you could have spent that second learning more about women or sex, or why one name – Mo-na – can be so erotic.):
Dear Mr. X,
You come highly recommended! I am a highly sexual woman recently divorced and I like to be challenged in the bedroom (or anywhere else – I’ve done all the rooms and most of the outdoors)! My friend says you are discreet. Since this is a small town, and although I am already known for having fun, I do not want people to know more. The same goes for my friend who you know. I like risks and if you are willing I would like you to ask me to take one. Do not hold back. I’m ready for some fun!
[‘Simone’, her pseudonym for ‘Mona’, which is my wife’s pseudonym for XXX]”
Does it need to be said that I was also ready for some fun? As with my wife, the trick would be to tailor sex experiments to Mona’s more experienced tastes without revealing that I knew anything about her. The difference was that Mr. X had approached my wife claiming to have met her once or twice, briefly, and so he’d had some conception of my wife’s character and looks. Mona, however, was hiding behind a pseudonym. I knew her real name, of course, but if I let on that I knew anything at all about her, then I would give myself away not only to her, but also to my wife. These thoughts moved like chess pieces through my brain for a while until I began to feel like the haunted protagonist of a 1950’s spy movie.
Then I decided to make it easy on myself. I knew that Mona wasn’t being cute when she wrote “don’t hold back”, so I decided to give Mr. X a harder edge and really test her. If she never wrote back, then fine – I would have missed the opportunity to “consult” with Mona, but I would have saved myself some time and a lot of coy e-mails. If she did respond, then I would have given Mr. X the opportunity to learn more about Mona both mentally and physically, and we would have an adventure on our hands. So here’s exactly what I wrote:
Dear Simone [Mona],
Thanks for your intriguing e-mail. Unfortunately I never begin an experimental relationship with a woman who has been referred to me by one of my experimental subjects. I prefer to know someone first, even if I’ve just met them once or twice. Also, lamentably, I really don’t have time for more experiments right now. The life of a sexual scientist is a busy one, as I’m sure you can imagine. I would, however, like to thank you for your charming e-mail.
P.S. Honestly, the only way I could ever imagine doing this is if I knew how you look and how you think. For example: you could send me your address and pick a time at which you would appear naked in front of a specific window. I might free up some time in my busy scientific schedule for that, and I wouldn’t lustily bang down your door, at least not this time. Then you could write me an e-mail describing what the exposure did to your body and your mind. That could get me interested in your scientific possibilities. The referring friend should be able to speak to my discretion, but if you still cannot trust me, I have no interest in spending time to gain that trust. Smooch.
A bit much? Maybe. Now we wait.
Need to catch up? Read the Sex Experiment from the beginning: Table of Contents