Readers of the blog and our steamy social network often write in asking for tips on how to make sex more daring. These readers are occasionally single and looking for a creative spark, but most often they’re in a relationship and searching for ways to introduce new sexual possibilities into their relationships. With that in mind, today we’re debuting an occasional column called Experimental Advice. From time to time I’ll post e-mails I’ve received from readers looking for advice and willing to post.
Before we begin, I should probably state the obvious: I have no qualifications for advising anyone about anything. But I love sex and possibilities and articulate strangers, and I’ll respond to questions as best I can (send me one at advice@thesexexperiment.com). I imagine our adventurous readers will also share their thoughts in the comments section, adding some erotic insights of their own.
Today’s e-mail comes from Michael, who lives in the U.K. Let’s have fun.
Dear Mr. X,
I’ve been reading your blog for a while, and the adventures you and your wife share have totally turned me on, but honestly they’ve also made me wish I had something similar with my wife. Nothing crazy, but at least a few more risks. I’m still very much in love with her. She keeps in great shape, I notice men looking at her all the time, and mostly we have fun together. We have sex a couple of times a week, I guess, and it’s good. We both like fucking and we’re faithful to one another, but we met when we were in college, and I get the feeling we haven’t really progressed in our sexual relationship. She’s definitely more reserved than me (she never makes any noise when we fuck, although she says she really likes it), but it’s logical to think she has her own unfulfilled fantasies. Maybe not as much as me – I definitely want a lot more and think I’m pretty open – but I’m at a loss as to how to start the conversation.
I’d love to give her a dare, but I have no idea how to go about it. I’m afraid she’ll be frightened if I do it anonymously, and that she’ll feel inadequate if I give her one myself. But reading about Mrs. X gets me so excited I realize I’ve got to somehow do something. Any advice?
Thanks,
Michael
Dear Michael,
Great lovers are great psychologists. Even a perfect physical specimen who openly “loves sex” will be a bedroom bust if they’re incapable of gauging the specifics of their lover’s desires. Sex always starts in the mind, and that’s what makes it so unpredictable and exciting. So it seems to me that the first step in daring your wife is somehow engaging her in the psychological game of it.
These are a couple of “starter dares” I’ve explored in the past with readers: asking for five words they find sexy as a way of getting inside their erotic minds and devising future dares; and daring them to write down a fantasy and leave it in a public place (training the erotic muscles, in a sense: articulate a fantasy, and it becomes easier to articulate the next fantasy – and leaving the fantasy in a public place lets you feel some risk without having to take the bigger risk of actually sending the fantasy to someone you know). Other couples have introduced their partners to this blog as a way of starting a discussion.
But maybe these still feel like too big a leap to make. Only you can know. Maybe there’s some fun to be had with your wife’s sexual silence: talking dirty yourself as you fuck and seeing how she reacts, or putting on loud music to provide cover for moans and groans. Or maybe she’s just made to be silent, serious and restrained (which can be even more exciting than the loud ones – the language simply becomes different and sighs become as powerful as screams).
Ask her who’s the sexiest man in the room (you don’t count). Brush up against her body in a public place. Ask her for the first fantasy that comes to mind when she’s warm and open after sex.
And here, you’re realizing, is the catch: to dare her, you’re going to have to dare more yourself. The first step is yours to make, and that can be scary. You can’t expect her to transform into a sex goddess unless you’ve transformed into a sex god yourself. Otherwise all these possibilities that excite you will remain fantasies. As with any creative act – and sex must be the ultimate one – you’ve got to put yourself on the line to have any hope of bringing the imagination to life.
This is starting to sound less like sex advice than life advice, but I’ve come to believe that there’s not any difference. Life is a creative act just like sex is. Living is risking, just like good fucking. Nothing is better than tearing down a wall in the bedroom. All of our encounters, really, are like sex. The most powerful people in history have realized this (which is why it’s such folly to expect our politicians to be prudes). I realized this a few years ago, and it has helped me in my dealings with friends and strangers and colleagues alike. There is seduction: swapping stories, avoiding boredom, introducing possibilities. Foreplay: paying attention, giving freely, staying patient, and establishing trust. And fucking: pacing yourself, destroying boundaries, letting go. And then fucking again and again, making it fresh, finding new boundaries to cross together, permanent seduction circling around to fucking again, the spiral deepening as it goes.
It’s the game of life, and your wife loves a game as much as anyone. But it’s up to you to start the new cycle of seduction by making a move. And if you show her that you love her – that’s all – I think you’ll be surprised by the eagerness with which she’ll respond to whatever you propose. If you’ve been together this long, you’re probably even better matched than you think. And if you doubt that, and are worried about the consequences of failure, remember that if you don’t risk, then you’ve already failed.
Double daring you,
X
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From Lake, posted in our social network:
“I have no qualifications for advising anyone about anything. But I love sex and possibilities and articulate strangers TOO, so I am jumping in. I think Mr. X nailed it, so I’m just going to try and build on what he laid out with more examples.
Plan, imagine, dream, but I couldn’t agree more, that you also have to just start… act… and it begins with you. Most things will work themselves out as you go.
Approach it on two fronts. One is in conversation. First establish a context… what do you want to accomplish from a relationship perspective? What is the point? What will success look like for you? What will it mean to you? Talk in terms of intimacy, connection, fulfillment, expression, trust, growth, etc. whatever it is for you… not specific acts (yet). Things in context are heard very differently than things out of context. For example, if you say, ”I’d really love it if I could start fucking your ass sometimes.” and she has no context, what’s to keep her from thinking, ’Has my pussy gotten looser?’, ’Is he watching too much porn?’, ’Is he bored with our sex life?’, ’How we will deal with it if something goes wrong!”. If some hot guy that I have no context in which to hear his requests says to me, ’take off your clothes and get on your knees’, I’m going to tell him what he can do with himself, and depending on the day maybe not in the nicest of ways. If my lover who adores me, and whom I have a long history of being rewarded beyond my wildest dreams when I trust him, says it, well, not only will i do it, but I’ll start shaking with anticipation as I do. Talk with her about a long-term vision of how the two of you could be together that will be inspiring to both of you.
The second front to approach it on is in action. Do something different, anything different. It can be a grand gesture or dare, a new implement, a new place, a new attitude, new wardrobe, it can be something simple. If you normally initiate by kissing her and fondling her. Start fondling her without kissing her. Just look into her eyes. If she stretches for the kiss, smile, but withold the kiss, instead touch her lips, her face, her throat with your fingers. Maybe slide your finger into her mouth. If your normally on the bed in front of her when you finger her, instead do it standing from behind her. If you normally give her what she asks for, the first time she asks, next time tease her instead. If she’s says faster, harder… go slower or pull all the way out instead. Different alone, means she has to start re-inventing what she will do. She has to process different, surprise makes people more present. I have no idea what you normally do, but figure out something that will surprise her.
Relative to sounds, trial and error. Play with what your doing. If you talk the whole time… talk less. If you don’t talk… talk more. Change the volume, tone, your position (behind her, close to her ear, against her lips) of your own sounds and talk… and as you make changes, watch her responses. If its working do it more, if it reverses do it less, if its unclear continue to experiment. If she does make any sound show clear appreciation (but subtly don’t make to big a deal of it). If she is making none, then try on occasion asking a question to get a vocalization, ’How does that feel?’ if she doesn’t answer, roll right with it. Next time try a simpler question and give her more of a set up, say, ’Oh my God that feels so good, doesn’t that feel good?’ If she so much as says, ’mmmm’ let her see how much you love it, give her immediately more of what she loves. Part of why you are changing your own sounds, is to give yourself an appreciation for how hard it is to do what your asking. Don’t expect someone to be what they are not, appreciate small shifts, and figure out how to make things comfortable. There is a lot more here to explore, but this is a possible place to start.
Obviously, there is lots more to do and lots that you have to talk about directly, but I’d start here, get a couple of good experiences on both fronts under your belt to up the interest and create some level of shared understanding around what your up to before I started to do the things that are going to be a little tougher or more awkward at first for either or both of you.”
Slight comment bug today. From Mallory:
“Michael:
Without knowing anything about your wife, I would suggest that you get her to a comfort zone first. I suggest a special date night that includes wine and a night at a hotel, where she might less inhibited if the neighbors hear your love making. I say get her nude, get her warmed up, then gently drape a silk scarf over her eyes to blindfold her. See what happens. If she likes that, you can go a little further and slip on some high heels on her feet. Make some of your own groans first. See if she will follow. Let us know how hot this gets you both!”
Unsurprisingly, some excellent and thoughtful advice from the ladies.
Michael:
Mr X’s most recent post about the Breadcrumb Experiment reminded me of an idea I had. It doesn’t look like it will happen for me so I am going to give you the idea to see if anything comes of it. Let’s say you start and the game is a sexy thought (or even item) you would leave in a public place for your wife to hunt and find. Then it is her turn. For example, I was going to leave a daring, sexy note in a book at the public library. I would give him some clues and he would have to find it before someone else.
I’m thinking blindfolded have him find my pussy with his mouth!
Really thank you to all of you for such awesome feedback. You’ve given me so many great ideas, and I’m so excited by some of these scenarios, that my wife is feeling how turned on I am, and I think that’s exciting to her too. We’re on the right path! I’ll let you know how it goes.
M
P.S. lake, I’m still searching!