As regular readers of this blog and my books know, I spend a lot of time thinking about sex…and marriage. In all aspects of my life, I want relationships that present possibilities rather than limitations. This is is particularly true of sexual relationships, which tend to be founded with the truest parts of ourselves. When you strip for somebody, you’re stripping away more than just clothes.

Then you throw marriage into the mix. I love my wife, but I dislike marriage – not necessarily because of any limitations my wife and and put on each other (cf. every post ever written on this site), but because of the limitations we put on ourselves. We are social creatures. We are influenced by the ideas and habits of those around us, but in our society the wisdom of marriage is a given. This despite the probability that the majority of couples make each other frustrated, anxious, jealous, resentful, bored, and boring almost every single day. Why? Because you expected them to be different. Because you wanted them to be one way, but sometimes they’re another way. Shocker.

Can’t we give each other a break? Should whole lives really be devoted to keeping an emotional magnifying glass aimed at one other human being? Can’t we just let people be free and then be all the more grateful for a love that is given without conditions?

Here are two things I’ve learned through many mistakes: 1) Grab complete complete freedom to find whatever you need in life to make yourself happy; 2) Assume that your husband or wife will relish the opportunity to live with a confident, happy partner.

This is not an entirely safe path – things do happen when you’re not hiding behind a marriage – but do you really want to be married to someone who reacts to your happiness with anger or jelousy or resentment? No, you don’t. You’re dead in twenty or thirty or forty or fifty years. You don’t want this in the meantime.

So if you find yourself getting married (hell, reader, I did it), here are some experimental marriage vows inspired by Mona’s Marriage Experiment. It might not be advisable to ask your religious elders to read these out to your assembled family and friends. No, these are probably the sort of vows that need to be exchanged naked in a bed somewhere.

Add your further suggestions in the Comments, and we might change marriage forever.

I, ____, take you, ____, to be my lawfully wedded (husband/wife),
To have and to hold from this day forward,
To assist in making your fantasies into realities,
To remember that strangers may have as much to teach you as I do,
To do the dishes whenever you flash delivery men,
To try my best to seduce others in bars,
To find the courage to let myself go when you stroke me beneath a table,
To share your naked photos with those who will appreaciate them the most,
To let the neighbors know that they can fuck us if they inspire us,
To make our own pornography, whether we capture it on film or not,
To find worthy lips to kiss at midnight,
To sunbathe in the nude whenever possible,
To offer my hands when your two-handed massage is not enough,
To make life as much like an orgy as possible, and failing that, to make it an actual orgy,
For better or worse,
For richer or poorer,
In sickness and in health,
Till death do us part.

Need to catch up? Read the Sex Experiment from the beginning: Table of Contents

Then subscribe to our newsletter for a free copy of Mr. X's hot, hot novel, The Known Experiment, and choose to get updates on blog posts, books, and special offers.